06/17/2007

Record-Eagle/Tyler Sipe
Todd Elsenheimer carries his son, Aiden, 3, away from a neighbor’s door in their Traverse City neighborhood.

Father's Day Without Mother

Widowed dads find challenges, rewards in going it alone

By
Record-Eagle staff writer

Record-Eagle/Tyler Sipe
Todd Elsenheimer takes care of twins Aiden and Avery as a single parent after his wife Dhana, pictured above, died nearly two summers ago.

TRAVERSE CITY — Todd Elsenheimer was thrust into single fatherhood without warning when his wife Dhana died two years ago while their twin son and daughter were 18 months old.

Now, as the twins are 3 and a half, he's raising them while running a business.

"It's crazy, but I'm not doing it alone,” he said, noting that he has hired a nanny, works at home whenever possible and gets help from family members.

"My family and my wife's family have been extremely helpful,” he added.

His mother-in-law "steals” his and the children's laundry and washes it on occasion. She also takes the children on Saturdays so he can have the day to himself. He usually uses that time to work on his house, which includes some rental apartments.

His mother leaves food at the house from time to time.

With or without help, raising children alone is a rough task. Add the grief of losing a spouse and the feeling that mothers are just better at certain things and widowed fathers face a unique set of concerns.

"It's just overwhelming,” said Glen Petersen, whose wife Melanie died in September at age 49 after a long bout with cancer, leaving him to raise three daughters, ages 17, 14 and 11.

"I think the hardest thing is my daughters; looking in their eyes and wondering if I'm doing well enough by them,” he added. "Am I disappointing them and how are they dealing with it?”

Everything changed for Petersen after his wife's death, he said.

"In the first seven months after Melanie died, I probably averaged 2 1/2 hours of sleep per night,” he said. Part of that was grief and part was the "chaos” of life without her.

"I had no idea what there really was to running the household: Every attention to detail and coordinating logistics and details like getting to a rehearsal at school on time,” he added. "Melanie was the mover and shaker of the family.”

Owning a business — Petersen Productions, an audio-visual company — while raising the girls is a mixed blessing, he said.

Record-Eagle/Tyler Sipe
Todd Elsenheimer plays with his 3-year-old twins Aiden Elsenheimer, right, and Avery Elsenheimer at their home in Traverse City.

"There's flexibility, but there's pressure too,” he said. "Thankfully, I have some wonderful help at the business.”

While Melanie Petersen's death was the result of a long illness, Dhana Elsenheimer's death at age 29 was sudden. The electrical impulses in her heart lost their rhythm.

"She just sat up and said she had a headache. I ran to the kitchen to call 911 and she fell and that was it,” Todd Elsenheimer said.

He focused on the children then, distracting himself from the grief.

"You kind of have to settle all that stuff,” he said. "I miss her. But you've got to show (the children) how to have fun and all that.”

He realized he needed a change of career, having owned a construction business for 11 years. He now owns an Espresso Bay franchise in East Bay Township.

"After Dhana died, I decided to get into something less stressful,” he said.

Both men have a child with special needs.

Petersen's middle daughter, Lydia, has epilepsy and is developmentally disabled. He's had to place her with a foster family so she can be cared for around the clock, which is something he and Melanie had considered as well.

"Our relationship is getting much better,” he said. "I get to see her often and Lydia is improving with the focused care.”

Elsenheimer's son Aiden is autistic, though not severely.

"He and I have a strong bond,” Elsenheimer said. Aiden recently said "Daddy” for the first time and doctors predict he will talk at about age 5, he added.

"He's doing great,” he added. "I look forward to someday having a conversation with him.”

Shelly Waclawski, who is married to Elsenheimer's cousin, is a full-time nanny for the Elsenheimer children. She said they're always on his mind.

"I'm on the phone with Todd about 12 times a day, minimum,” she said. "He does such a good job. When he's off work, they get 100 percent of his attention.”

Elsenheimer's days with the twins involves a lot of trips to parks.

"It's fun being a dad,” he said. "The hardest part is knowing how much time to spend working and how much time do I spend being a dad.”

Petersen said he has one bit of advice for men who share child-rearing duties with their wives.

"Value what you have while they're alive,” he said. "Those things that a mom did, it just makes the world go around so much better.”