07/25/2007

Keeping Mama Happy

Women urged to take time for themselves to find joy

By
Record-Eagle staff writer

Special to the Record-Eagle
Gaylord nurse practitioner Mary Seger has published a new book, "Invite Joy Into Your Life."

Need help to beat the blues? If you're a patient of nurse practitioner Mary Seger, you may get a prescription to go home, find a comfortable chair, put it in a cozy spot, and tell every else to keep off!

Seger, who practices women's health and internal medicine at Otsego Memorial Hospital in Gaylord, said anti-depressant drugs can work wonders for some women. But for others, feeling good may start with something as simple as establishing a "comfort spot” — outfitted to their own tastes and reserved for their own use — where they can take time out to think and relax.

"I had a T-shirt made up a while ago that says 'It's all about me,'” said Seger.

She's written a new book, "Invite Joy Into Your Life: Steps for Women Who Want to Rediscover the Simple Pleasures of Living,” in which she shares her professional philosophy.

"We have to take care of ourselves,” she said. "If all we're doing is giving, we really become empty. That's not the way to go through life.”

Dressed in yellow and power pink on a recent afternoon, Seger had a bright, whole-face smile and warm demeanor befitting an advocate of joy. Yet she is troubled that such a large number of her female patients are so consumed with unhappiness that they literally become sick. Some are grieving a traumatic loss, but many more are simply ground down by lives that seem empty and unfulfilling, leaving them anxious and depressed, she said.

A firm believer in the connection between mind and body, Seger has long followed up treatment of acute symptoms with attempts to address underlying emotional issues. But it was not until she was tapped to give a talk on the topic of joy did her understanding of her patients' problems and possible solutions began to coalesce.

Special to the Record-Eagle

"Women are conditioned to give,” she said. "I see these women on a daily basis and they are burned out.”

This observation isn't new, as Seger is quick to acknowledge. In fact, she is not particularly interested in engaging in a sociological discussion of why women are taught to serve others, even if at their own expense. What's more important, more urgent, is teaching and reminding women how to make themselves happy, she said.

So when she gave her initial speech on joy — which she defines as "the warm feeling you get when you hold a puppy, a kitten or an infant” — she focused on specific, practical and mostly very simple tips. The talk and subsequent others were so well-received that Seger concluded, "This needs to be a book.” Her self-published book, the first she's written, came off the presses in May.

In 39 short chapters, the book covers everything from the mundane -— television, "as addictive as any bad habit,” and puttering, which "brings joy and honor to the daily tasks of women” —- to the divine, such as sending loving thoughts to others, forgiveness and gratitude. Seger urges women to slow down, speak up, dwell on the positive and pursue activities that make them happy. She coaches them to reject "joy-snatchers,” as in negative people, and "feeling stuffers,” quick-fix pleasures like overeating or over-shopping that ultimately lead to regret.

Because it is a how-to book, each chapter ends with three to nine exercises: "Make a list of 10 people or things that make you feel good. Put that list in your wallet,” and "Spend 15 minutes a day in solitude … Write about each experience.”

Unless women actually do the exercises, they won't experience much change, Seger cautioned, although she said it's OK to do some picking and choosing among the chapters. One woman skipped the part on ordering a messy house but acted on Seger's advice to find a creative outlet and to do what she loved as a child. The woman is riding horses again, this time with her daughter, and making beads. Seger held up her forearm to show off the pretty bracelet of pink beads made by her reader.

For Seger, who starts each day with meditation and a run and ends it with reading and handiwork, the exercises on finding solitude are particularly important. The most personally challenging are those on living each day as if it's your last and getting over the "why me?” syndrome.

"I try to focus on my blessings rather than on the one annoying thing that always shows up,” she said.

Sometimes it feels like she's only taking baby steps towards this positive outlook, she said with a smile. But that's OK. Being joyful is a habit that takes time and attention to establish. The important thing for women is to "fill ourselves up a little every day” — and not feel one bit guilty about it, she said. After all, a joyful woman is a better partner and a better mom.

The latter is especially important to Seger. With a teen-age daughter herself, she said children are a woman's greatest gifts "when we take time to appreciate them.”

Her heart goes out to the mothers of young children who legitimately can't take much time for themselves. Yet these women especially need to incorporate some peace and quiet into their daily routines because the old saying is maybe more true for them than anyone: "When mama ain't happy,” Seger laughed, "ain't nobody happy.”