02/25/2007

Record-Eagle/Tyler Sipe
Josh Graybiel, 18, of Harbor Springs enjoys a moment of comic relief prior to his Friday night basketball game with his biological mother Mary Zukowski, left, and his adoptive mother Patt Graybiel at Traverse City St. Francis School. Josh has enjoyed the love of having two moms after the two parents agreed to have an open adoption.

More Moms, More Love

Harbor Springs teen has two 'real' mothers

BY JEFF PEEK

jpeek@record-eagle.com

TRAVERSE CITY — Josh Graybiel has always been able to block out the crowd when he steps onto the basketball court.

Friday night was different.

Graybiel, a senior standout for Harbor Springs, tried not to look. But he couldn't help but steal a glimpse of the most important women in his life sitting there together, laughing and sharing stories like old friends do.

Graybiel's adoptive mother, Patt Graybiel, was in the Traverse City St. Francis gymnasium to cheer on her son for what seemed like the umpteenth time. It was the first time, however, that Graybiel's birth mother, Mary Zukowski, would see him play.

And that worried Josh. He wanted to show her something special.

"I was pretty nervous,” Graybiel admitted. "It was a combination of it being a big game and her being there.

"I didn't want to look. But we took a timeout and that smiling face was two rows behind the bench. It was nerve-wracking.”

Graybiel rebounded from a slow start and finished with 15 points, five assists and three steals, but the Rams lost 91-81.

"I gave it my best, that's for sure,” he said. "I'm happy with the effort, not the outcome.”

Graybiel was greeted by both of his mothers afterward, along with his adoptive father, Ron Graybiel, and Zukowski's parents, Bob and Marilyn Auberle.

All were smiling with pride.

"It was an amazing experience,” said Zukowski, who lives in Las Vegas. "I was excited to see Josh in a different light — in his daily life, playing sports. I've never been a part of that. It was great.”

Difficult decision

Mary Zukowski — then Mary Auberle — was an 18-year-old Traverse City St. Francis graduate in the fall of 1986 when she and her high school sweetheart moved to Phoenix. She learned she was pregnant during a return trip to Traverse City in 1988.

Zukowski, a bright student who studied interior design, bristles at the suggestion that she acted irresponsibly.

"I was on birth control,” she said. "Of course I asked, 'How did I get pregnant?' But there was a higher force involved. Josh was supposed to be here.”

Zukowski's relationship with her boyfriend soon crumbled, and he returned to Phoenix. She stayed in Traverse City and moved in with her parents.

"We'd been growing apart,” Zukowski said. "I think he was scared. He wanted to be in Arizona. I wanted to be in Michigan.

"It wasn't fun at the time, but it was good for me,” she said. "It forced me to make some decisions on my own.”

Zukowski's father was adopted by his aunt as a youth, and he suggested she consider giving up her own child for adoption.

"He said, 'You're living at home with no job and no money. You can't support a child. Think about what's best for the baby — and yourself,' ” Zukowski said. "It made me think. My dad was adopted and he had a great life. He always loved and respected my aunt as his mom. Being adopted wasn't a bad thing, it was a good thing.”

So Zukowski contacted Child and Family Services of Northwest Michigan.

She said people who know her history often commend her for her courage.

She begs to differ.

"I wasn't courageous,” Zukowski said. "I was young and I was selfish. I love Josh, but at the time that's how I felt. There were a lot of things I wanted to do.”

The other side

Ron and Patt Graybiel had tried for years to have a child. They'd sought medical help and several times thought they'd found a solution.

Nothing worked.

So after 17 years of marriage, they turned to adoption.

"If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have waited so long,” Patt said. "We just kept trying (to get pregnant), thinking 'Maybe this month. Maybe this month.' ”

In March 1984, the Graybiels adopted a son, and took custody a month after he was born. The adoption was closed, so their oldest son has never been in contact with his birth mother. But he does carry something of hers with him everyday.

Adoption documents show the mother liked the name Andrew, so the Graybiels named their son Nicholas Adam Andrew.

Patt said she and her husband "enjoyed the adoption process” so much that they placed their name on the waiting list again as soon as they were allowed.

They waited almost five years before the call finally came. Child and Family Services of Northwest Michigan had a birth mother who was willing to speak to the Graybiels about adopting her unborn child.

But there was a hitch — the mother wanted it to be an open adoption.

Becoming a family

Open adoption allows the birth mother and her family to remain in contact with the child.

The concept not only was new to the Graybiels, it was relatively new to Child and Family Services. This, in fact, would be the agency's first open adoption.

One word described the Graybiels' reaction.

"Fear,” Patt said.

Ron agreed.

"I guess we had the same fears as anybody would,” he said, fear the mother would change her mind, fear his family was "adding someone (Zukowski) to our family we didn't even know, and of course, there were grandparents, too.”

That all changed when the Graybiels met Zukowski face-to-face. She was due to give birth in December 1988 and knew the law prevented the adoptive parents from taking custody of the baby until January. Normally, children go into foster care for 30 days, during which time the birth mother can legally change her mind and reclaim the baby.

But the holidays were near and Zukowski wanted nothing of that.

Child and Family Services allowed the Graybiels to take the baby immediately as registered foster care parents, and Zukowski pushed the court date up as far as she could — shortening the process by two weeks — so, she said, the Graybiels "could get on with their lives.”

"One of the first things Mary said to us was, 'I want the baby to be home for Christmas,' ” Patt said. "That told me right there that we were dealing with someone special.”

The meeting, scheduled to last an hour, stretched to four hours.

"Part of the success of this whole thing was Mary's personality,” Patt said. "She was incredible. After we met, we never worried that she would change her mind. That's not Mary; that's not how she is.”

Zukowski said she appreciated the opportunity to read through the applications and have a say in who would adopt her child. The Graybiels were the only parents she spoke with.

"Everything clicked from the moment we met,” Zukowski said. "My job as birth mother was to read the files and help decide who would be a good fit.

"Patt and I were in interior design. Ron and (Josh's birth father) were into architecture. And Ron and Patt were high school sweethearts, just like we were.

"It was like it was meant to be.”

It's a boy

Zukowski gave birth to a son on Dec. 7, 1988, "a memorable date in more ways than one,” she said with a laugh, referring to the anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor in 1941.

A snow storm kept the Graybiels from making the trip to Traverse City for the birth. Zukowski said the time proved valuable for her peace of mind.

"Every time I hear the song, 'Forever Young,' I think of that time with Josh,” she said. "Those couple hours will always be mine.”

Much like they did the first time around, the Graybiels used Zukowski's suggestion of Michael in their son's name: Joshua Evan Michael Graybiel.

Zukowski said she initially wasn't sure how much or how little contact she should have with Josh. So to take pressure off the Graybiels, she moved to Florida.

"I decided we needed a clean break for awhile, that was best for all of us,” Zukowski said.

Zukowski moved back to Traverse City six months later, but despite being only an hour's drive away, she never wanted to force herself on the Graybiels.

Patt laughs about that.

"Mary's a wonderful person,” she said. "She's a member of the family. If I could choose a daughter for myself, I'd choose her.”

Zukowski eventually moved to the Detroit area, where her parents live, and she and the Graybiels continued to exchange cards, letters and photographs regularly. They also get together at least once a year.

Zukowski said she cherishes a photo of herself and Josh, then 11, dancing together at her wedding in 1999.

Changes

Josh now has two half-brothers; Zukowski and her husband, Mike, have 4-year-old twin sons, Mitchell and Maxwell. That added another dynamic to a relationship that continues to evolve.

"We talk more than we ever have,” said Zukowski, 38. "Before, the phone would get passed around so everyone could say hello. But about a year ago Josh called me and we talked for an hour. After I hung up I realized that was the first time he'd ever called just to talk. No birthday, no holiday, just wanted to talk about his life. That was special.”

Josh said he enjoys the growing relationship with Zukowski, and said he has never asked the question, "Why?”

"Things have always been this way; I've always known who she was. It's never been a big deal,” he said. "She made a journal for me that explains why she did what she did. I don't have to ask.

"I know her, and I know that would just be foolishness on my part. This is the best thing that could have happened to me. It's been great to have her in my life.”

Josh's toughest hurdle is what to call his birth mother. She signs cards and notes, "Mary,” but Graybiel just can't bring himself to call her that.

"I really try to stay away from that one,” Graybiel said with a laugh. "I don't want to offend her by calling her by her first name. And I have a mom, so that doesn't seem right to call her that, either.

"I guess it's something we'll have to work out.”

Ron, 60, and Patt, 59, are amazed at how much their son is like Zukowski.

"There really is something to this nature vs. nurture thing,” Ron said. "Josh has such a positive attitude. He's very mature, very thoughtful in what he says and does. He's an extremely hard worker, and he's very independent. We joke that he raised himself.

"He gets all of those things from Mary,” he said. "We gave him a good environment, she gave him everything else.”

Even Zukowski has to acknowledge the similarities, right down to odd food combinations they both enjoy.

"We were together once and realized we both love dipping french fries into mayonnaise,” Zukowski said. "I don't know anyone else who likes that. That comes from me, I'm afraid.”

'Poster child'

Child and Family Services' Lisa Wisniewski, director of adoption and pregnancy counseling services, beams when she talks about Josh's story.

"He's the poster child for open adoption. It's a text book example of how well open adoption can work,” Wisniewski said. "Open adoption is such a scary concept to people.

"There's a lot of fear, and I think that fear comes from ignorance, really. The fear that people have of the birth mother changing her mind or becoming intrusive, we just never see it play out that way.

"Open adoption is best for the children,” Wisniewski said. "They aren't left with so many unanswered questions.”

Josh, who is busy deciding upon a college, certainly is happy about the way his life has turned out. He said he feels bad for his brother, however, who has "struggled a bit” with the entire adoption issue.

"I'm pretty fortunate,” Josh said. "This is the best of a bad situation. I'm the only kid I know who has two 'real' moms.

"I'd recommend it.”