10/11/2006

Conversations on living - and dying

Podcast chronicles interactions between two friends

BY HEATHER JOHNSON DUROCHER
Special to the Record-Eagle

Special to the Record-Eagle/ Nicholas King
The conver- sations of Ilene Kouzel, left, and Carol Ross are the basis for "Concious Living, Concious Leaving."

(Ed. Note: Ilene Kouzel died earlier this week, as this article was ready to go to press.)

Ilene Kouzel had only weeks to live when she sent this joking e-mail to friends, including Dave Murphy of Traverse City:

"What does Dave really look like?" Kouzel, of Denver, asked of Murphy, whom she only knew through weekly phone calls until recently. She listed several possibilities, including "drop-dead gorgeous," "computer nerdy," "preppy," "granola" and "absent-minded professor" in her note. "The mischief maker in me wants to start a pool — $5 will get you in. Take your best guess and we'll see who comes closest.

"The winner takes all."

That Kouzel could maintain that kind of lightness in the midst of dying was remarkable to Murphy, a 49-year-old freelance writer who was introduced to her earlier this year as she embarked on an audio project capturing her final days of living with ALS, or Lou Gehrig's disease.

But he wasn't surprised by her attitude. Murphy discovered as he, too, became part of the project that Kouzel was living life more fully once she knew she was dying.

Kouzel, 56 and wheelchair-bound, was diagnosed with the progressive neuromuscular disease in January, 2004.

"Ilene is taking a very courageous approach to dying. She wants to face it with utter honesty and consciousness," Murphy said recently, before Kouzel's death late Monday.

Kouzel's thoughts on living and dying well are behind "Conscious Living, Conscious Leaving," a series of telephone conversations between Kouzel and her friend Carol Ross. Murphy is the project's creative director, taking the 10-plus hours of taped interviews and editing it into podcast form.

"The goal is to produce materials that of course have value to those facing difficult illness or terminal diseases," Murphy said. "But a second and equally powerful goal is to create the urgency to live life fully for those of us with more time."

Ross said the podcast, which launched in September at iTunes.com, "has evolved and mushroomed and blossomed over the past few months." Anyone can take something away from listening to Kouzel's story, she said.

"For me, it's what can you learn from a dying woman about living better," said Ross, who is a Denver-based life coach.

It was death that first connected Murphy to the project, which started thousands of miles away by people he met in person only after the project was complete.

"Dave is one of these people who walked into the project at the right time with the exact gifts we needed," Ross said. "He was a godsend."

Following his brother Pat's death 11 years ago, Murphy grew especially involved in the lives of Pat's three children. His interest in helping his niece Shannon, now 29, ultimately led Murphy to Ross.

"Shannon moved to Denver about a year ago. Through a contact of a contact, I learned that there was a life coach in Denver who's very good — Carol Ross. I thought there might be some value in contacting Carol on Shannon's behalf to help with Shannon's job search," Murphy said.

During his chat with Ross, Murphy learned of the project she was working on and that she needed editing assistance. Murphy agreed to help.

Ross, along with Kouzel and her husband Nick King, felt from the get-go that Murphy was the best person for the job.

"He understands the power of story," said Ross.

Murphy said the project proved rewarding on several fronts. As a writer and editor who enjoys the creative process, he said, "I really enjoy collaborating and this is a wonderful collaborating process." As someone who lost his father at a young age and more recently, a beloved brother, "The most compelling part "¦ was the content, the fact that it is so close to home to me," he said.

Murphy said his family wasn't as prepared as they could have been for his brother's death following a battle with colon cancer.

"No one has to face the circumstances we faced when my brother died if you can look at death as not the end, that it's something we're all facing," he said. "When we have fears, when we can't face things objectively or honestly, it paralyzes us, it inhibits us from what we need to do."

Kouzel hoped her experience would inspire others.

"If nothing else, I hope more people will feel that they have permission for conversation and exploration of what it means to die without fear, to celebrate life, and to live more fully," she wrote on the project's Web site.

"In a strange way," Murphy said of Kouzel, "she has felt that this disease has been a blessing. It's a part of what she needed to experience to complete her life, to complete her life's journey."

To access the podcast, visit www.consciousliving-leaving.com. Additional programs will be added as time goes on.